Hard Times…

Not much has been going on in my world lately besides working, taking care of one of the sweetest kids in the world, and getting some exercise. I’ve been at my desk a lot at work lately doing tons of charting, and it’s driving me nuts!  I like to get up and move around, but the charting must get done.  I try to take a break and just walk around and say hi to my patients, but sometimes I get in the groove typing and typing and the next thing I know, and couple of hours have passed and my legs are swollen.  I hate that feeling!  Also, my eyes and head are killing me from looking at the computer all day.  Ok, that’s enough of my whining!

So the hubs and I have been arguing a little more than usual lately.  We’re both just tired and grumpy and need to go on a date so that we can do something fun together instead of just seeing each other in passing as we’re trying to get stuff done.  I must say, the hardest time for us in our marriage so far was right after G was born.  She was a preemie (just came early on her own, for no reason) and required a lot of extra attention, so we were so tired and grumpy all of the time.preemie 1

Here she is in a preemie outfit.  I saved it and still cannot believe how small it is!

Not that you won’t be tired and grumpy if you have a baby that’s not a preemie, but when you have to feed a baby a million times because of weight loss (she was a tiny 4 pounder), you’re not producing enough milk on your own and she can’t latch on and doesn’t even want to eat because she’s too tired/weak, it gets very hard.  We did triple feeds, 5 min of breastfeeding on each side followed by formula mixed with pumped milk for the baby, and then me pumping for 20 minutes – every 2 hours, 24 hours/day, 7 days/week for a few months. 

preemie 3

Can you see how tiny she was?

That means that after I have finished all of that and cleaned up the pumping accessories, I was lucky to be able to rest for about 30 min before doing it all over again.  I forgot to mention that Steven was working out of town at that time.  He spent the week away from home for work, and was home on the weekends.  I stayed with my parents a lot during the week, so my mom would try to get up and do the bottle feeds while I pumped.  I barely ate anything for months because I was so tired, and that definitely didn’t help the whole producing milk situation.  I rarely got out of my pajamas.  It killed me not to be able to breastfeed my baby.  Being a Dietitian, it’s constantly drilled into your head that it is what you need to do and what is best for the baby, and I felt horrible that I couldn’t do it.  I had multiple meetings/conversations with the Lactation Specialists and tried everything they told me to, but it never got better.

preemie 2

Another preemie outfit.  She looks like she was a little stressed too! 

Finally, when G was 7 months old and after a tearful conversation with her doctor (who was also my pediatrician and he’s the best!), I decided to go to formula only.  I was pumping every 2 hours at work (getting almost nothing when I pumped) and it was so difficult to get anything done.  Her doctor assured me that I should not feel guilty and that plenty babies do fine on formula alone.  It was seriously one of the hardest things that I have ever done.  It was so hard for me to let it go, but she wasn’t getting much milk from me anyway. 

Though giving up on the breastfeeding helped me get more rest and become a happier mommy, I hope next time that I can go full term with the pregnancy and that it makes this situation a little better.  I plan to breastfeed again and I think it will be just as hard for me if it doesn’t work out with the next one.

No, I’m not pregnant right now (that I know of), but I was just thinking about all of this and how so many things can affect our relationships.  In the end, I love my husband so much.  We tried to live without each other a few times during the 7 years that we dated, but it just didn’t work out for us.  We may argue, and we’re really good at it sometimes, but I love him and I’m happy that he’s my husband.  Can’t wait to plan our next date! 

What did you do on your last date?

Any ideas for ours?


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